My Birth Story- From Trauma to Healing

I have never been able to write this story out in full before, I have shared bits and pieces, but it has felt too painful up until now to share it in its entirety, everything laid out bare. However reading other women’s stories, going to Blessingways and being a part of Birth Activism and empowering women, I thought the time has come to write it out- more healing can come of this and maybe it can help someone else.

Firstly before reading my story, it is important to note that medical intervention in birth CAN be necessary and life saving. Neither I, nor anyone else who shares their story on this page is denying that. Emergencies can/do happen. What we have a problem with is UNCESSARY intervention, bullying, fear mongering propaganda that does not improve the situation for either mother or baby and leaves both with lasting physical and psychological damage.

This quote sums it up well “Spontaneous labour in a normal woman is an event marked by a number of processes so complicated and so perfectly attuned to each other that any interference will only detract from the optimal character. The only thing required from the bystanders is that they show respect for this awe-inspiring process by complying with the first rule of medicine–nil nocere [Do no harm].” — (Dutch Professor of Obstetrics G. Kloosterman)

We share our stories so that others can make informed decisions about where and with whom they chose to birth. I feel strongly that having the right birthing team and the right environment and preparing yourself and partner (if around) is an essential part of becoming a parent. Don’t go in with no idea like I did. Arm yourself with information and preparation.

So here goes..

I was 19 when my first son Dom was born, I can’t even really say that I birthed him- more like he was torn from me. It is painful to think about the experience. The circumstances around his conception were less than ideal and I left his father 3 days before he was born. I was young and terrified. I had midwifery care throughout my pregnancy and went to a few classes but really had no idea what to expect and I was basically almost trying to pretend I wasn’t pregnant and there wasn’t going to be a baby at the end of it all. I did not educate myself, I figured that’s what midwives and obstetricians were for, they would take care of all that business. I couldn’t even bring myself to watch a birth video! All the stories I had heard were that birth was painful, medical and should be feared, that’s the way our society has us thinking about birth these days- you were most certainly a complete nut job hippie if you considered a home birth that is for fucking sure. You went to the hospital because birth is dangerous and that is how it’s done.

At around 37 weeks I sneezed and had a slight hind water leak, I phoned my midwife and she said to put a pad on and monitor the fluid and to call her in a few hours if there was some there. I called her in a few hours as there was some but not much. She asked me to come down to the hospital and they wanted to induce straight away. I said no I wanted to go into labour naturally (I had heard terrible stories about induction- for good reason). They said it was dangerous and there was a high risk of infection but they’d ‘let’ me go on for another day.

**Note- in reality the risk of infection if a woman stays at home where her body is used to her germs and doesn’t have baths etc is actually really very low.**

I tried many natural ways to get into labour after this time, acupuncture, walking, spicy food etc. Nothing was working. By the start of day three they said I had to be induced at 7am or I was putting my baby at risk of death. Total fucking fear mongering bullshit which is FAR too common in these settings. I now know women who have birth three- four weeks later and even longer after a slight hind water leak with no ill effects.

So I was induced. The drip was put in. I was told I was not allowed to be in the bath or shower or move around as the baby ‘HAD’ to be constantly monitored for his own safety.

This photo was taken just before I was induced. Honestly my face says it all. I was terrified and it was NOT what I wanted.

**Notice the recurring theme of language such as had to, not allowed, baby will die. Disempowering control and constant fear mongering. Removing the power from the woman.**

When a woman is made to lie on her back on a bed with a monitor and a drip in and cannot move around and is not in a natural environment that she feels safe in and connecting with her baby it is extremely difficult to naturally manage pain, not to mention the synthetic hormones completely fuck with the natural flow, hormones, and normal progression. Instead of your body naturally and slowly working its way up to strong, close together contractions, being induced means that they are strong and hard generally right the way through.

Lying on a bed tossing and turning after 8 hours I was unable to manage the pain drug free any longer, I begged for gas, peth and eventually an epidural. I felt totally out of control. I felt an urge to push but my midwife said I couldn’t possibly have dilated 10cms by then and she wouldn’t allow me to push and I was told to get back on the bed even though I really wanted to have a shower and be in the pool.

When they eventually ‘let’ me start pushing after another Vaginal Exam. I was unable to push my baby out on my back with my legs in stirrups. (No shit Sherlock not exactly a fucking ideal position for your pelvis to let a baby through). They pulled him out with forceps leaving me with a massive internal tear that required over 80 stitches. He was blue and unresponsive and he looked like a dead alien to me. They immediately removed him from the room and he was gone for over two and a half hours. No one bothered to tell me whether he was dead or alive as they stitched me up without a word (they did a fucking shithouse job of this too and didn’t stitch part of my perineum muscle back in problem and the scar tissue is so fucked up I still have troubles with it today).

They gave my baby antibiotics on his first day of life without discussing it with me as well as Hep B and Vitamin K, again without discussion. I assume it was in the forms that I was told I had to sign when I was still delirious, but I don’t really know if they bothered getting permission for any of it at all really. In my mind shoving forms in front of a distressed woman and getting her to sign them is NOT informed consent.

Eventually they brought him back and shoved him on my tit. Did not feel like my baby. Whose baby was this? I didn’t get to hold him or birth him so it was just some random small flailing thing that was attached to my tit. Needless to say I suffered Post Natal Depression (undiagnosed as I refused to get within a 10ml radius of the hospital or other medical professionals). I developed Agoraphobia (was terrified to leave the house for months) and severe anxiety and post-traumatic stress. I struggled to bond with my baby. I cried every day. Who can say whether this was all down to simply my birthing experience? It probably wasn’t, but I’m sure it was most certainly a contributing factor.

Of course my bond with my son Dom grew over time, I have had counseling and Dom and I have done a lot of healing and growing together but I still hold trauma and grief from my birthing experience, as I’m sure my son does too.

Onto the story of Ned’s birth..when I fell pregnant with my son Ned I was in a good place with it, with my current partner and was happy to be bringing a sibling for Dom into the world. But I was terrified beyond belief of the birth. The thought of going to a hospital again made me want to throw up and I avoided even going to the Dr for a check up as I knew I’d be asked where I was going to be having my baby, I did not consider home birth an option, it’s not something that is done and I certainly wasn’t going to be putting myself and my baby in ‘danger’ like that.

Then I met other women who had similar horror stories to mine birthing in hospitals, some had ’emergency’ ceasareans, some were told that their babies were ‘too big’ for natural birth, some had been unnecessarily induced- all felt they had been robbed and yearned for something different and they had chosen home birth for their second, third or subsequent children. They had hired doulas or private midwives and they were showing me videos and talking about their trauma and healing. I was skeptical as fuck, but I took some of the dvds lent to me such as The Business of Being Born and Orgasmic Birth and watched with interest.

My mind was changed pretty much straight away. There was another option. I didn’t have to go to a hospital. I met Liz and hired her on the spot. I felt calm, nervous and excited. I was going to birth my baby! I knew that the hospital would be there if there were complications and I needed a transfer but I also understood from my heavy research that for the most part birth was not a medical emergency and therefore did not require medical intervention.

Ned was born at 41 weeks + 5 days gestation (OVERDUE YOU MUST BE INDUCED in everyone else’s mind). I separated myself from everyone else’s panic and naturally went into labor on my own. It was fast and I rang Liz and screamed down the phone GET HERE NOW!!!! I screamed at Dan in my typical over dramatic fashion that I wanted a divorce (we’re not yet married) and that he was a fucking cunt. He calmly nodded and ran a bath and with every big surge I let out an almighty roar and another string of expletives. This baby was ON HIS WAY. Liz arrived and Liz and Dan busied themselves filling up the birthing pool. I hopped in and the warm hose on my back helped with the pain. I told Liz I couldn’t do it and I was dying. She calmly said to me that I was doing it and that the maiden in me was dying and a mother and woman was being born. I was on my knees with my head over the side of the pool and Dan was behind me pressing his hands into my back where it hurt the most. I was calming down and was repeating the Gayatri Mantra to myself to get through each surge. Everything slowed down and I sipped water through a straw.

I had the urge to start pushing, so with each surge I slowly pushed a little more. My waters broke. Liz suggested that I try and feel my babies head in the water. I COULD FEEL HIS HAIR!! I was so excited and proud. With each surge I pushed a little more and then his head was out!! He magically turned his head and in the next push his whole body was out. He was in the water and I grabbed him and held my baby, he was screaming and pink. Alive and new. Beautiful and perfect and I had done it with the support of my amazing partner and Liz. The perfect birth team.

I put him on my breast and birthed the placenta. Liz tucked us all into our bed in our home and did all the washing and went about her business. We held our baby close and fell asleep in the silence and comfort of our own home. It was the most healing, empowering experience of my entire life. Truly monumental and life changing.

I now regularly speak out about unnecessary intervention in birth, the cascade of interventions and informed consent as well as running Birth Empowerment Workshops with Liz. For the full schedule of events click here  or join us on meetup. 

Check out this stunning video my friend and filmmaker Jemma Gorring created to celebrate the birth of Ned.